I do not like having autism

I’m gonna say something controversial and not everyone is going to like it, but it needs to be said. I do not like having autism, and I think most people don’t like it either.

Having special needs isn’t fun, and being unable to do things normal people can is heartbreaking. I want to go to parties with friends, I want to go to drag shows, I want to drink alcohol, I want to drive independently, but I can’t do any of those things due to overstimulation and sensory issues. I want to have a more diverse taste pallet than chicken tenders and pizza, but I can’t because of sensory issues and I hate change. I want to have a nicer style, but the only clothes I can manage are jeans, anime t-shirts, and crocs.

I want to have more friends and do better in social situations, but there are things I don’t understand about social interaction. There are times I have to out myself as autistic in the workplace because people treat me differently. There are times I feel stupid because my spacial awareness is so distorted. There are times I can’t shut my brain off and I disassociate from reality.

I will forever be on medication for several mental health disorders. Coming to terms with having a neurodivergent brain isn’t easy, and it’s not always good for people. To portray having autism as something eternally good is severely damaging because it idealizes a disorder that causes major problems in millions of lives. It’s infuriating, it’s isolating, and it’s embarrassing. I will always be open and accepting of my autism, but it’s not something I will ever be proud of.

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